I have a reason

I will exalt you, LORD, 

for you lifted me out of the depths 

and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 

LORD my God,  I called to you for help, 

and you healed me. 

You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;

praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,

"I will never be shaken."

LORD, when you favored me, 

you made my royal mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face,

I was dismayed.

To you, LORD, I called; 

to the Lord I cried for mercy:

"What is gained if I am silenced,

if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; 

LORD, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and

not be silent.

LORD, my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 30

There is so much brokenness in this world. Senseless. Relentless.


I recently had a conversation with a friend about suffering and human nature. How we're bound to to hurt those closest to us no matter how much we don't want to. So why should we even attempt to build those intimate relationships? How can we open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt?

I don't know if my words that day were helpful, but it's been something I've been thinking over. I'd like to get it down in words, if you'll bear with me.

I've been hurt before. Deeply betrayed by someone from whom this was least expected. Pain, shock, disbelief and anger ensued.

When I was alone, I cried out to my Jesus in desperation because things were falling apart and I had no control. The gaping emptiness seemed too big to be real, but the pain reminded me that it was. I cried out to my God because I was too weak to face it. Too broken. Confused. Sad. Sad because how had things gotten to this point?

I don't know if I have all the words to describe what I felt then. Even thinking back to that moment takes my breath away still. But. My friends, I'm not here to talk about how Satan's work caused brokenness. That's old news. That's news that's been happening for ages.

Instead, let me tell you what happened in my moment of utter fallen-apart-ness. Peace. Inexplicable joy. In that moment I had no illusions of what this world has to offer and I knew, with complete certainty, that this quiet, still Voice, was there.

"Things are going to be hard, Michelle, but I AM. It is not your responsibility, but Mine. I have taken it."







I remember that time, the provision that God gave me in the form of a few close friends who held me when I could not stand. Who cried with me. Who spent time with me in silence. Just being there. What an amazing treasure. I will be forever thankful.

I have a distinct memory of walking with one of these friends one day, and we were walking down a street we had walked down countless times. Yet that day I marveled and rejoiced in God's creation. I felt delight in His work. In the trees around me. The air, the light-- despite the pollution, it dazzled me. Looking back, that seems to be a surreal and out of place moment, given the circumstances. But it was a sweet gift. The brokenness was not magically removed, but I had invited God into it. And He has made all the difference.

After time had passed, the rebuilding of relationship was (and is) still a process. Frustration in the midst of the aftermath was often present. I still had strong feelings of anger and hurt. I still cried out to God about it. How could this person be so blind? How could this person be so insensitive? How could this person be so seemingly unrepentant? Do they not see the consequences of their actions? I raged at God. I don't want to share my heart. I don't want to open a vulnerability to this person. I don't want them to have power to hurt me ever again. I don't want to trust anything this person says. They've lied before. How can you ask me to forgive when I know that this person will just repeat their actions and hurt me again? 





"Because that is what I did for you, beloved."



Stillness. Truth. My rage dissipated. My will submitted. 




I placed my trust not in this person, but in Jesus. Who, after all the things I've ever said and done that betray and hurt him after he has taken my deserved death punishment, loves me with an everlasting, open love.

Yes, we will be let down, hurt and betrayed by those with whom we have intimate relationships. We are human and sinful, so that is inevitable. But fearing that possibility, avoiding certain relationships because of that possibility, is not seeming wisdom or self preservation. If you have placed your life in Jesus' hands, it is a lack of trust in His sovereignty and a disregard of what He did on the cross. Jesus' eyes were wide open from the beginning. He knew the depths of our darkest betrayals. He knew, and he went to the cross any way. He opened himself to the deep, cutting wounds of our willful imperfection. 


And he has redeemed those wounds. His light has pushed out all darkness. 

As for me, it's still a process. After that moment of stillness, I can't say that I forgave completely and trusted implicitly. I'm still striving for it. Forgiveness is a choice. There are many times I don't handle things as I should, but the rage I harbored no longer has a place in my heart. The process of rebuilding trust takes much longer. Patience. Perseverence. All things are made new in Him. 

Sure, I might not have gone through so much pain if I hadn’t chosen to stay in on this relationship and had refused to be vulnerable, allowing the possibility of further pain. But I also wouldn’t have seen God’s redemption at work. I wouldn’t have a changed perspective on humanity-- one much more aware and less judgmental of our failings. I wouldn’t have the same response to other’s suffering, even feel it as my own sometimes. We’re so averse to hurt and pain in this world. But it is the hurt and pain that tells us there is More.

While I would never ask to go through this again, I can say some of my sweetest moments, feeling a tangible presence of the Spirit and inexplicable joy that can come only from Him, came in some of those darkest times.

I have a reason to be Thankful. To Rejoice. To Praise. Even in the suffering that may come.

longing for Home

A handmade quilt and pillow made from an old T-shirt.

Have you ever felt homesick?

Have you ever felt that ache radiating through your core for the familiar? For those who know and love you and whom you know and love? For street signs that you’ve seen over and over? The voices and sounds from the places you frequent? For the warmth of being utterly at ease, knowing you are home?

As a TCK, “home” is a relative term. It could be where my mom and dad and brother are physically living. It could be the place I spent the most time. It could be where my extended family lives (and each side is on an opposite side of the planet). It could be where I went to school, college. It could be the permanent address on my driver’s license. When I'm traveling, it generally means where my suitcase has made its residence. 

For anyone who knows a TCK or has had conversations with one or is one, you know that hesitation and internal struggle when someone asks, “Where are you from?” These days, it’s easiest to say where I graduated from (I wrote about it here and here). The most recent location is just the simplest most recognizable. If that person is actually interested, I’ll let them inquire further. The actual answer is too long and let’s be honest—most people are confused by it.

I read a couple articles lately (found here, here and here), describing the difference between Asian Americans and TCKs. I had never thought too deeply about the difference and had indeed found myself most comfortable with a group of Asian Americans, here in America. But there is a difference (the articles do a good job—take some time to read them, if you can) between the two groups. These authors essentially say that Asian Americans feel a tension in cultural identity and have a desire to be viewed as belonging—of being viewed as any other American. After all, many were born and raised here; why should they be perceived as foreigners ("Where are you really from?")?

A TCK often feels no desire to be seen as American but instead understood for their experience of having lived internationally and having perspectives that have nothing to do with assumptions associated with the way they look. One of the authors mentions how, in America, he is expected to be different because he looks Asian, and how, as a TCK, he doesn't rebel against that perception because he does indeed feel different.

Yes, my very oldest and dearest stuffed animal is a moose. 

I have often felt the opposite. While I was in China, from all appearances, I was the foreigner. Here, from all appearances, I am a native. Yet I often feel different, not having grown up here but instead having lived in a country not my own for the majority of my life. You would never guess it by looking at me, and I've come to learn that it's easier to give a simplified answer than try and go through the whole explanation with most people.


Living internationally, coming to the States for college and traveling between two continents, time has shown its effect on the places I call home. As one of the authors of the articles mentions, even when he goes home, nothing is exactly the same. Places, people, home... they are transient and the changes are all the more stark when you've been away for a while. This is no less true for me. Most of my high school friends no longer live in Shanghai-- they are scattered around the world. Going to Shanghai doesn't guarantee a big reunion.


Though my passport tells me that the United States of America is my home, is it? I've come to learn that I will forever be missing one place or another, not just for the physical place and the delicious foods, but for the people with whom I shared life with in that time and space. I read an article the other day that touched on how young people of this day and age are so preoccupied with their lives and their doings that it's easy to lose sight of the Kingdom of God-how they have no desire for Heaven. I think that one product of being a TCK is that I am very aware of the flaws in our definition of "home."

I long for Home. For that place where there are no more goodbyes. For that place where I can be with my family as well as my college friends as well as my high school friends. For that place where distance is a non-issue. For that place where time is a non-issue. For that place that has foods of all cultures and I don't have to pay an arm and leg for it. For that place where all those who love me and whom I love are in one place. For that place where locational tensions no longer exist. For that place where I can be utterly at ease, knowing I am Home.

For this longing, I am thankful. It reminds me that this world, these places, are not the end for me. This ache, will one day be no more. One day, I will no longer have to long for Home, because I will be there. Until then, I'll keep sharing life with people and places, growing my love for the diversity of this world and hopefully, spreading a desire and longing for Home to those around me-- there's plenty of room!

praise

your love is amazing, steady and unchanging, your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet. when i am surrounded,

your love carries me.

hallelujah hosanna

in this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation [syn. reconciliation; redemption] for our sins.  

hallelujah hosanna

he is good,

he is good,

when there's nothing good in me.

he is light,

he is light,

when the darkness closes in.

he is peace,

he is peace,

when my fear is crippling.

you are true,

you are true,

even in my wandering.

the riches of your love will always be enough

hallelujah hosanna

give thanks to the LORD, our God and King,

his love endures forever.

for He is Good, he is above all things,

his love endures forever.

with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm,

his love endures forever.

from the rising to the setting sun,

his love endures forever.

hallelujah hosanna

he brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and

burst their bonds apart.

hallelujah hosanna

For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand

 

hallelujah hosanna

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and

with his stripes we are healed.

hallelujah hosanna

and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but

for him who for their sake died and was raised.

hallelujah hosanna

these words are true, not just on Easter, but 24/7, 365 (+1 for leap year).



sources:

songs: forever reign- Hillsong; forever- Chris Tomlin; hallelujah (your love is amazing); in Christ alone

scripture: 1 John 4:10; Psalm 107:14; Isaiah 53:5; 2 Corinthians 5:15 (emphasis and inserts added)

thoughts

writing is generally my way of processing, and usually this takes the form of a journal entry. but every now and then, i feel the need to bounce my ideas off other people. so as i'm thinking and processing, i thought that this would be a good place to do so. often my thoughts aren't very coherent, so it's kind of nice to be able to go and spellcheck/edit my thoughts. doesn't work so smoothly with pen and paper. hopefully my thoughts and experiences will resonate with you or at least cause you to think.

more to come when the class workload eases up a bit.