I have a reason

I will exalt you, LORD, 

for you lifted me out of the depths 

and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 

LORD my God,  I called to you for help, 

and you healed me. 

You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;

praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,

"I will never be shaken."

LORD, when you favored me, 

you made my royal mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face,

I was dismayed.

To you, LORD, I called; 

to the Lord I cried for mercy:

"What is gained if I am silenced,

if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; 

LORD, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and

not be silent.

LORD, my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 30

There is so much brokenness in this world. Senseless. Relentless.


I recently had a conversation with a friend about suffering and human nature. How we're bound to to hurt those closest to us no matter how much we don't want to. So why should we even attempt to build those intimate relationships? How can we open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt?

I don't know if my words that day were helpful, but it's been something I've been thinking over. I'd like to get it down in words, if you'll bear with me.

I've been hurt before. Deeply betrayed by someone from whom this was least expected. Pain, shock, disbelief and anger ensued.

When I was alone, I cried out to my Jesus in desperation because things were falling apart and I had no control. The gaping emptiness seemed too big to be real, but the pain reminded me that it was. I cried out to my God because I was too weak to face it. Too broken. Confused. Sad. Sad because how had things gotten to this point?

I don't know if I have all the words to describe what I felt then. Even thinking back to that moment takes my breath away still. But. My friends, I'm not here to talk about how Satan's work caused brokenness. That's old news. That's news that's been happening for ages.

Instead, let me tell you what happened in my moment of utter fallen-apart-ness. Peace. Inexplicable joy. In that moment I had no illusions of what this world has to offer and I knew, with complete certainty, that this quiet, still Voice, was there.

"Things are going to be hard, Michelle, but I AM. It is not your responsibility, but Mine. I have taken it."







I remember that time, the provision that God gave me in the form of a few close friends who held me when I could not stand. Who cried with me. Who spent time with me in silence. Just being there. What an amazing treasure. I will be forever thankful.

I have a distinct memory of walking with one of these friends one day, and we were walking down a street we had walked down countless times. Yet that day I marveled and rejoiced in God's creation. I felt delight in His work. In the trees around me. The air, the light-- despite the pollution, it dazzled me. Looking back, that seems to be a surreal and out of place moment, given the circumstances. But it was a sweet gift. The brokenness was not magically removed, but I had invited God into it. And He has made all the difference.

After time had passed, the rebuilding of relationship was (and is) still a process. Frustration in the midst of the aftermath was often present. I still had strong feelings of anger and hurt. I still cried out to God about it. How could this person be so blind? How could this person be so insensitive? How could this person be so seemingly unrepentant? Do they not see the consequences of their actions? I raged at God. I don't want to share my heart. I don't want to open a vulnerability to this person. I don't want them to have power to hurt me ever again. I don't want to trust anything this person says. They've lied before. How can you ask me to forgive when I know that this person will just repeat their actions and hurt me again? 





"Because that is what I did for you, beloved."



Stillness. Truth. My rage dissipated. My will submitted. 




I placed my trust not in this person, but in Jesus. Who, after all the things I've ever said and done that betray and hurt him after he has taken my deserved death punishment, loves me with an everlasting, open love.

Yes, we will be let down, hurt and betrayed by those with whom we have intimate relationships. We are human and sinful, so that is inevitable. But fearing that possibility, avoiding certain relationships because of that possibility, is not seeming wisdom or self preservation. If you have placed your life in Jesus' hands, it is a lack of trust in His sovereignty and a disregard of what He did on the cross. Jesus' eyes were wide open from the beginning. He knew the depths of our darkest betrayals. He knew, and he went to the cross any way. He opened himself to the deep, cutting wounds of our willful imperfection. 


And he has redeemed those wounds. His light has pushed out all darkness. 

As for me, it's still a process. After that moment of stillness, I can't say that I forgave completely and trusted implicitly. I'm still striving for it. Forgiveness is a choice. There are many times I don't handle things as I should, but the rage I harbored no longer has a place in my heart. The process of rebuilding trust takes much longer. Patience. Perseverence. All things are made new in Him. 

Sure, I might not have gone through so much pain if I hadn’t chosen to stay in on this relationship and had refused to be vulnerable, allowing the possibility of further pain. But I also wouldn’t have seen God’s redemption at work. I wouldn’t have a changed perspective on humanity-- one much more aware and less judgmental of our failings. I wouldn’t have the same response to other’s suffering, even feel it as my own sometimes. We’re so averse to hurt and pain in this world. But it is the hurt and pain that tells us there is More.

While I would never ask to go through this again, I can say some of my sweetest moments, feeling a tangible presence of the Spirit and inexplicable joy that can come only from Him, came in some of those darkest times.

I have a reason to be Thankful. To Rejoice. To Praise. Even in the suffering that may come.

anu

(written last night, Jan 18)

I just got back from a prayer meeting at church.

A prayer meeting focused on "Your Kingdom Come." Praying the realization and spread of God's kingdom all over the world, and right where we are.

As I was going from the different tables, I ended on Asia. Over 5 thousand unreached people groups.

And you were laid on my heart. My friend Anu (read anew).

She is in India right now. Volunteering with a non profit that targets sex trafficking. She has only described one of her experiences to me, but I could hear and feel the weight. I could feel her brokenness at seeing prostitution so deeply ingrained in a village's social structure that even young adolescent girls had been marked. She saw it in the deadness of their eyes. Their lack of hope in their futures. Contrasted with the promise of possibility in the eyes and voices of the pre-pubescent girls.

So, I know that you didn't go to India with the intent of partnering with a specific Christian ministry, but I lift you up and pray that you would be a light in all the seemingly hopeless places you encounter.

That you would be strengthened with His peace, strength, joy, courage and love.

That your strength. Your words. Your thoughts. Your actions. Would draw from the Holy Spirit.

That your eyes would be fixed on the Light, so that you will not be overcome by the darkness around you.

That you would trust in His unfailing and unconditional love when you feel discouraged. You may not see the immediate results you desire, but He is still working. He Is.

I pray, my sister, dear heart, that you would grow in spirit and in truth. That every day you are being fashioned more and more into the godly woman that He has created you to be.

I pray that you will find community to support and to support you. To fellowship with. To laugh and cry with.

I pray most of all that you are rooted in the vine.



I love you!

As If

A teacher deported.
A 17 year old, beheaded as he got ready for school.
A grenade thrown into a home, killing an 8 year old and 25 year old, injuring others. A man, beaten and left to die.
Soldiers, targeting civilians with gunfire.

Light shines in darkness

The persecuted Church.

Of the stories I mentioned above, I can only relate to the threat of deportation. Even so, I never feared for my life or the lives of those I love. It's easy to forget about the suffering and persecution of the rest of the Church when I don't live in the daily reality of active, blatant hatred. However.

Suffering comes in myriad forms. Persecution does not require a threat on your life. Even though I live in the land of the free, this country is still of the world. And the world does not know Christ.

As Sunday was the International Day of Prayer, my church tried something a little different than normal. The sanctuary was rearranged so that all the chairs faced the middle of the room, where there was a low, square platform. Other than the mic for the pastor, no electric equipment was used. As much as possible, they wanted to us to experience worship held in a living room, or open space--a house church. And the pastor spoke on these three verses:

Keep on loving each other as brothers.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

Hebrews 13:1-3

(emphasis added)

In the midst of suffering, keep on loving each other. Show hospitality. Remember AS IF.

"The Light shines in the darkness, and
the darkness has not overcome it."

How differently I pray when I am suffering than when I am not. I cry out with a broken heart, yearning for God's hand. Not knowing what to say, but knowing that the Spirit communicates that which I can find no words for.  Have I prayed with this heart and with this earnestness for my brothers and sisters whom, although I've never met them, are as much my family as my blood brother? Though I have not known the confines of a prison cell or the ravages of a broken body, I am not helpless. Though I am not there suffering with them, why should that stop me from praying for my brothers and sisters as though I were? There is power in prayer.

So I pray, that this will alter your perspective as it did mine. That your prayers will be lifted up on behalf of your brothers and sisters as if you were sitting right beside them in their battle and oppression.

I don't want to leave you in despair about this, but to praise God and know that He is working in the midst of intense pain, suffering and persecution. Here is one more story.

A pastor. Incarcerated unjustly. By the power of God and support of prayer, built up a church within the walls of a prison.

Here are a couple resources that highlight the persecuted Church so that we can know what to pray for and how to pray. If you know of other resources, please, share them below.

http://www.persecution.com/

http://www.persecution.org/



homesick

Have you ever wrestled with homesickness?

I have to admit that I have. Seemingly a lot in the last couple of years, but I get the feeling that comes with transition. And, if you are one who isn't sure how you feel about change (as I sometimes am), then homesickness can creep up on you at moments you least expect. Or, sometimes it hits you like a freight train going 60 miles per hour.

Homesickness and loneliness have often gone hand in hand for me. Because, as a wise friend observed to me, in those times of transition, we want someone who KNOWS us. Who we have history with. Who we know cares and is ok just being with us. Something or someone constant in the midst of change.

Just as leaves go through seasons and changes, so do we.

Lately, homesickness converges on me with every little bump in the road. Just one of those days, the ones where nothing goes quite how you want it to and a million little things suddenly seem like a billion big things, threatens to drive me to tears.

But, nearing the end of one of those days, I read something. Something about how when I don't feel at home, remember what is unchanging and "home" even if i'm not at a particular physical location, surrounded by what's familiar. The first and foremost is that I am loved and that the same Spirit that has power over death is dwelling, residing in me. Wow. This particular devotion then advised its readers to make a list of 10 things that do not change, even when your location changes, starting with "1. God lovingly lives in me."

So here is my list.

1. Jesus is Messiah, Savior, Redeemer, Shepherd, High Priest and so much more. (I know I changed the first one, but I think this one is pretty important. If this first one is true, it gives meaning and value to the second one.)
2. God lovingly lives in me (God is always with me, in power)
3. God is working things out for good
4. God works things out in His time
5. My family is still my family
6. My friends are still my friends
7. I am the beloved creation of the Creator
8. Always important to know: my address (and if in a country speaking another language, how to ask where the bathroom is.)
9. Laughter makes things just a little bit better (so does sunshine, but I generally have very little control over that one)
10. There will be a shop/restaurant/grocery store that has noodles/ramen.

Let me say, this exercise was harder than it may seem. I encourage you to try it for yourself and think about your list. It helps to come back to it on one of those days that you feel like homesickness or loneliness is winning the battle over you.

The top four of my list are directly related to Jesus (there are Bible verses linked to the different colored words, if you want to browse through them). From my experience, He is the ONLY thing that is always constant. Though everything may change, He will not. If you are curious about it, or confused or just want to ask, I would love to talk to you about it. You can leave a comment or ask me to contact you via email.

Hopefully, when you reach a point of homesickness in your life, this will encourage and strengthen you!

steadfast

Overexposed, but you get the feel of what I'm describing.

Have you ever been adrift at sea/ocean/lake/relatively large body of water? Without an engine? Without a paddle? Without a compass? Sometimes I imagine myself in this little canoe. Sitting and looking at endless stretches of water. Without any comprehension of direction, or which way land is. Sounds like a pretty dire situation, doesn't it?

Once upon a time, when I went through what was for me an extreme and drastic transition, my mental image of myself was one of being swept down a rushing and raging river. The sheer power of which I was helpless against. Not only helpless, but threatened to be pulled under and completely lost. But I wasn't. Repeatedly, in that image, there was an anchor (like one from a massive cruise ship). I wrapped my body around the shank of the anchor, and the arms held me from being overpowered by the current. And the water rushed by.

Now that I think about it, anchors are made to sink under water, holding one's choice of flotation vessel from floating away. Probably not the best choice to hold on to it if one has certain needs, such as a constant and plentiful supply of oxygen. But this anchor in my mind's eye did not sink. Rather it was connected to something. In that river that was strong enough to cause even a heavy anchor to be pulled along, this anchor was connected to something stronger than that river.

Back to the first water image. Again I find myself in new territories, stripped of what had become familiar and comfortable. Instead of a violent river, the slow, subtle rock and ebb of water wears away at me. Sometimes, this is more dangerous because it's easy to become unaware of the degradation.
In the midst of this, two things have been resonating reminders, ones that I am thankfully unable to shut off. Steadfast Love and Joy in Suffering.

Gently bubbling water; gentle and
soothing

As I have been working my way through Psalms, "steadfast love" has appeared countless times. I don't know if it's a different translation or I simply never noticed it before or maybe through my need, those words became stark. Steadfast. Not going anywhere. Here to stay. In my raging, rushing river or lulling, numbing ocean, He is Unchanging. Not just unchanging and constant, but LOVE. Not a cold block of stone, but Love. Love that is brimming, living, abundant, lavish and complete. There for the happy and there for the brokenness. Steadfast. Love.

I heard a sermon a couple weeks back on James 1:2-8. Kicker. JOY in SUFFERING. Totally a counter-world concept. First, the world tells us that we should not suffer. Yet. Suffering exists because sin exists. And sin... well sin definitely exists in this world. Second. JOY in the smack-dab-middle of suffering. Now, suffering can look like all kinds of things. For this speaker, his particular example was an infestation of mold. Not exactly floods, disaster or genocide, however it is still suffering. But, no matter what you are suffering through, suffeJOYring.

I suppose what has been rolling through my mind from this is that the focus should not be on me and my suffering, but on Jesus and how the truth of what He has done (giving his perfect life for our sinful one) trumps everyyyything else. And the joy of this knowledge, this truth--it engulfs and overcomes suffering.

I realize these thoughts are still developing, but it's a start. Hopefully it brings to you encouragement as you face your rushing river or erosive lake.

off days :/

Yesterday was a good day. Classes weren't particularly stressful, and I was able to finally give a presentation that had been on my mind, weighing on me until I finally gave it. I even got the invitation to play some volleyball (that was a huge deal because I haven't been able to do that in over a year, and I can't begin to explain how excited I am). Yet as I walked back to my apartment from a small group meeting, I was a grouch. Just plain bad mood.

I was mystified. It wasn't even that anyone had said or done anything. What the heck was going on?! So then I started second guessing myself, beating myself up for how my presentation had gone, or how many people had contributed to discussion at small group. This, I knew, was dumb, because you can't change the past and things had actually gone pretty well. So what was it? I still couldn't figure it out. Then the situation just got worse because I was so frustrated with myself that I was getting in an even fouler mood. And unfortunately, it was the people around me who suffered through a rather short attitude. Finally I decided it was just time to end the day. Get in the shower, then get in bed and be done. Sometimes I feel like that's just what has to happen. So I got in the shower. And there must be some therapeutic effect of the running water or maybe the steam cleared up my brain. 

Spiritual warfare. I am, as I'm sure many people are, more vulnerable to it when I'm tired. I'm more likely to believe those little lies that Satan tells to break me down slowly, get me to start feeling sorry for myself. As if I'm not already self absorbed. I knew that I was getting it pretty heavy because I was feeling so crummy, so I decided no deep, extended conversations with my roommates or boyfriend because they probably wouldn't have positive outcomes. Bed. And God was good. A full night of rest and waking up to the song O Praise Him running through my head. I was still feeling a little off as the day went on, but God gave me some scripture that has really spoken truth to me. Perhaps it'll speak to you too.

2 Thessalonians 2:7-8

For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawlessness one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming.

Can I just say, how much more badass can Jesus be?

Are there times that you can't explain why you just feel out of sorts? Have you encountered spiritual warfare lately? How did you handle it?